My name is Rachael and I am here to tell you of what I have ran into while riding down this road that is labeled Bipolar! My story begins at the age of 14 when I was taken away from my family by the state and put into a group home. Under the stress of being around new people, my past bearing down on me, and not knowing why my brain was getting out of control I attempted to end my life after only a few weeks there. From there I was sent to a psych hospital where again I was in an arena where I found nothing familiar and felt alone.Little did i know hospitals and doctors would become my regular routine for years to come. I had no idea what to expect or what was going on. I was visited and examined by several doctors and put on several meds from age 14 to 19.By the time i reached age 19 I felt so crazy, and not a bit better. I didnt feel at this point any could help me and so i started to rebell against all i knew. Hate filled me, care for others l! eft me, and the numbness began to set in. I had let my illness take me whereever "it" wanted to go. I was so tired of meds, therapy, talking, explaining, defending, and whatever else it was that i dont to survive, that i just let the bipolar have its way. I got into drinking, sleepign with people i never inteneded to see again or love, loosing money, dating guys hwo loved to control me........it was all awful, but it was all i thought i was good enough for. No one would listen to me so i became their worse nightmare. I was so angry for so long and for so many years I just lost hope. I lived, at least I thought in a world where no one could touch me, must less love me. Little did i know I was about to take a great fall that would change my life forever. It seems I tried so hard throughout all my life at this point ot prove to people i was in pain and that i needed help and i thought no one was listening, .......but i was wrong.......God was listening. God has been listening a! ll along. And so at age 19 I had enough, I stood in my parents living room and let God have it, i yelled , I screamed, i stomped, and i asked over and over, why , why ,why. For over an hour i did that.Well to make a long story short God embraced me and my healing began. I began learning more about bipolar, learning more about my past, going to chat rooms and helping where i can and it seemed all was well. I was better, but yet still alone, with little hope. As the bipolar began to get worse I began to get scared. I felt all alone in this world once again and had to fight not to let myself go back to that rebellion i had once come from. I prayed for God to send me someone to love. Someone to be my friend and love me for me. Someone to understand and stand.......not run! At age 22 I met my best friend and she hasnt left my side for 3 years now. We have been learning together and she does her best to accomodate my illness with her love. Granted before i met her I was in an! d out of hospitals and was on all kinds of meds, but God and my friend kept me alive, litterally sometimes. My past as a child has always been a real problem for me to deal with and so i wanted to escape the pain.You see I always thought that having bipolar made me different and that I would only be able to be around others like me or alone, but the truth is I am like everyone, else my bipolar isnt me, i am me, and i am in control. The bipolar may play a big influence in my life , but it isnt all my life. Those who love me are my life. I guess i could tell you my whole life story tale by tale, but i think the surface is enough for you to know that you are not alone , we all have a story, and you can survive this illness they call Bipolar!

"Its not a fight, Its Survival"

God Bless,

Rach(RachB2J)