Today I checked myself into the psyche ward at our local hospital.  I think I'm more frightened than I have ever been in my life.

After a few days of settling in and being put on medication, I was brought in to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with rapid cycling bipolar disorder.  This basically means that your mood cycles or changes at least four times a year. Mine change probably every month, or sometimes by the week or even by the day. He put me on a combination of medication - an antidepressant, and a mood stabilizer. These were effexor and remeron.(375 mg of effexor and 60 mg of remmeron once daily). 

Paxil was given to me by my gp about 2 years ago and worked somewhat but now we have finally found something that really works. It may be too late.

Today my wife told me she hates me. I never thought I would ever hear this from her lips. I just wish that my wife had not have given up on me. I had everything in the world that meant anything to me.... a beautiful wife,  2 beautiful boys, and a roof over our heads. Now all because of my sickness it cost me everything I ever wanted in life. She can't be blamed for leaving me, because I really was an awful person to live with.

I never thought my life would ever end up like this but I guess I deserve it.  Now I have no choice but to get on my own two feet and live for my kids. Who knows,  maybe my wife will forgive me. She may never come back, but if she forgives me it will mean a lot to me. There is hope.

A good set of medications and therapy do wonders. I still don't think anyone who is not ill can fully understand what I was dealing with. It felt like a wrestling match was going on in my head every minute of every day. This is an illness of the brain. An ill person cannot help it. The transmitters and receptors in the brain don't really allow choice. I was a very ill person but with each passing day I’m getting better, and people can be around me, and I can be around people now.  I never before had a time where I didn't feel some kind of pressure. I think much clearer now and don't feel like I’m going 100mph.  Before treatment it fellt as though my head left 2 minutes before my body did.

Now I’m whole. I just wish that my wife would have given me another chance to show I could be that person she fell in love with those 22 years ago.

Gary Gallant

39years old

New Brunswick Canada