My Story About Bi-Polar
by
Budd
Abbott (Comments and questions Welcome)
Thank you Budd!
I have read and heard stories about those who attribute
their illness to
abuse, neglect and the like, but I came from a somewhat
"normal" childhood
and don't believe these things to be the core source of
my illness.
I grew up in a suburb of Pittsburgh and attended public
high school in one of the
largest graduating classes of the area. I was too
young to be part of the
"hippy" period, but I tried to mold my life to that
era. Partying was the
thing to do, although it wouldn't be some time later
that I did some serious
partying. If one didn't "party hearty" one
was considered a "narc".
(Narcotic agent or someone who snitched on those who
did use drugs or
alcohol).
I was mostly a loner through out my life because I
always
considered myself less than my peers and didn't seem to
fit in anywhere.
As I look back on my teens, I believe the disease(s)
were prevalent even
then. It was probably chalked up to being high
strung or considered just a
phase I was going through. And of course, I
wasn't able to share my
feelings with anyone at all. As I look back, my
energy level in the winter
was sluggish at best. I would sleep after school
until dinner and any
chance I could afterward. My grades suffered from
the result of this,
especially in English.
During the summer months, starting around May or
June, I would start into my manic cycle, requiring only
one hour or two
hours of sleep. I believe my parents thought I
was on drugs. As a matter
of fact, not too long ago my mother admitted that she
thought that very
thing. With this routine, unwarranted fear was
always a part of my life. I
know I learned part of this from my home environment.
I believe I was
maladjusted to life even then, which would contribute
to decisions I made
later in life. Some weren't all that good either.
My father was a binge drinker and did most of his
drinking when my mother
would visit and help her aging parents in Florida.
He put a lot of the
responsibility on me when my mother was away because I
had to care of my younger
brothers and sisters during those times. If I had
to put him on the charts,
he would probably rank in the second stage of
alcoholism. To my knowledge,
he never physically abused any family member, although
he would worry
everyone when he didn't arrive home on time from work.
I always knew
because my mother would get very quiet and pace the
floor until he arrived
home and then the silent treatment for the next few
days toward my father.
She would be very short with us kids because of it too.
With all this, I
still looked up to him and took from him the best and
left the rest.
My mother seemed always high stung and nervous most of
time. She never
seemed to be at ease. She would sit in a rocking chair
and constantly and
rock. My mother was for the most part was the
prominent head of the
household and disciplinarian. It seemed that my
dad was never around in my
late teens. I knew he had to work hard to keep us
in the modest, but
efficient lifestyle we lived. My father and
mother's principles clashed more often
than not. With conflicting messages, I didn't
quite know how to handle
simple situations that most teen-agers could. As
an adult I had to learn
how to handle matters that most people might consider
routine.
After graduation I joined the Navy for a couple of
reasons. One was to get
away from my family who I felt didn't understand me.
And second, I wanted
to start a career where no one would know me. I
got everything I wanted for
a duty station. I was assigned to permanent shore
duty at a Naval Air
Station in Virginia Beach. It was there that I
found alcohol. I found out
when I drank alcohol, my perception of the myself and
the world around me
changed and once I started to drink, I didn't want to
stop until I was
completely drunk. Alcohol at this point was my
medication to slow me down
during my mania stage. I didn't start out daily
drinking until the end of
this career. Because of my interest in alcohol,
it also seemed to even me
out during the winter depression stages. It took
me seventeen years to go
through the three stages of alcoholism. Of course
with that, my
decision-making processes were quite hindered to say
the least. I don't
want to go into detail of my alcoholism as I'm focusing
on the bi-polar
aspect. I firmly believe my bi-polar disorder
came before my drinking as I
mentioned. However, I believe the two illnesses
go hand-in-hand.
I have been in recovery from alcoholism since July of
1991. As I started to
sober up, the bi-polar cycle started again. At
first the symptoms were mild
and I couldn't see anything was wrong with me. I
thought it was normal to
have more energy and to be creative during the summer
months. However, as
the years went on, the mania grew stronger along with
the depression in the
winter. It took me several sessions with a
councilor to understand bi-polar
was a progressive illness. It wasn't until this
past summer (June 2000)
that I really went off the wall in the mania cycle.
I began having rushing
thoughts, which I describe as movies playing in my head
and not knowing
which one to watch first! Most of the winter
months I would have feelings
of impending doom. I would go to the window and
look for the police even
though I didn't do anything at all to warrant such
feelings. Although I
didn't have thoughts of suicide, I felt if a bus would
run me over it
wouldn't have mattered one way or another. I had
no motivation and things
that I liked to do showed no interest for me. One
family member commented
that he knew something was wrong when I didn't want to
go hunting. I am a
avid hunter and for me not to want to go seemed normal
to me at the time.
My wife finally gave me an ultimatum, "Either get help
or I'm leaving."
The denial was super thick just as it had been for my
alcoholism. I felt as
though this was a weakness more than an illness.
I also felt my wife wanted
me to have this illness because she suffers from
depression as well. I
finally agreed to seek some professional help. My
back was to the wall.
At my first session I told the doctor how I was feeling
both physically and
mentally. She explained what the nature of my
illness was. She put me on
medication and I began 1 on 1 psychotherapy with a
councilor once a week
for the first three months. During the winter
months it was all I could do
to get out of bed. I would just sit in my chair
and watch television. I
continued going to my A.A. meetings, but felt alienated
because I felt as
though they didn't understand. (Of course there
were many who have been
dual diagnosed.)
As spring grew into summer I had a radical change in my
illness. The mania
stage came on with vengeance. I had to call my
doctor and explain what was
happening and fast. I was going without sleep for
days on end and ate very
little. I lost weight and began losing touch with
reality because of sleep
deprivation. My doctor changed my medication once
again and now I take
three medicines, once in morning and in the evening.
I still find it hard
to function and had to go on disability, which I'm in
the appeal stages. I
feel hopeful about someday returning to work and being
a productive human
being, although I don't feel I'll ever be able to do
what I did (machinist)
for a living before I was diagnosed with bi-polar.
While all this was happening, I was dragged into court
four times for
non-support for my two daughters. Each time fear
of going to jail hounded
me. The possibility of such an event overwhelmed
me and I became physically
sick each time. The last time I went to court I
felt reassured I had an
understanding judge. I took with me research I
found over the Internet and
letters from the doctor on my behalf explaining my
illness.
As the winter months approach again, I sometimes ponder
what this illness
has in store with me. I feel stronger mentally
now than I did a year ago,
but still there is dread of the unknown. I have a
support group I attend
and still go to counseling every other week. I
have the encouragement and
support of my wife even though we are planning to
separate in the near
future. Our separation has nothing to do with my
illness. I also have a
very close Christian friend, and although he doesn't
understand bi-polar
disorder, he has been very supportive. He makes
sure that I get out of the
house at least three times a week. Fear still
takes hold of me at times,
but not with the intensity it used to. My
therapist has put me in touch
with an intensive care coordinator and together will
work out a plan for
getting me back on track.
[UPDATE: My wife and I separated on 24th of October.]